As I have previously written, I went through my first breakup. It’s been exactly two months since then and saying a lot happened is an understatement. This entire fiasco had me literally going up and down like a sine wave.
Ironically, I wrote about being pretentious and delusional as a solution to facing problems and challenges. Admittedly, I resorted to that again and it’s quite surprisingly effective. I guess the astrologists and spiritualists were right: you get back what you put out into the world.
It’s been a while since I last wrote. Actually, since my last post, I have not touched the code for this website for many weeks, only adding minor modifications here and there for bugs. I missed writing so I am back here.
Since the breakup, I’ve got a ton of things I’ve realized. I had no friends. Well, I did. But at this point, those friendships were shallow and reduced to just small talk. I realized that they were no longer meaningful. My ex-partner had noticed this quite a lot back when we were still together, but I did not see the need to act on them yet. After all, I had someone by my side whom I could call best friend.
But when I got out of that relationship, no matter how amicable it went, I was devastated. And moreover, I realized that I could not go to anyone for support and comfort because the quality of my friendships are stale. This is not the type of friendship I need, so I quickly realized I needed to do something.
My best friends were there for me, but I didn’t feel like telling them everything because at that point, it’s been a while since we last talked. I did not want to feel like a burden to them. And on their side, they didn’t really pry on me so I wasn’t really given the reinforcement to talk. But I figured fuck it, I need friends and they said they’d be by my side through tough times. Might as well cash that in. So I dumped every thought that came to me on them and thankfully they were really supportive. They even called me out when they found out that I was doing something potentially harmful and self-destructive. I am currently in the process of rebuilding my old friendships; I’ve been with them since forever and I’d hate to see them go just because we’d drifted apart.
I also got into two Discord servers which was also really helpful for me. I got myself some new friends and companions. I hop on calls every night with them and I’m enjoying every minute of it. I’ve been playing games with them too. Surprisingly, I’m turning into a gamer. We’ve been playing Farlight and Stumble Guys (a Fall Guys knock-off). I also went with them to a club in Poblacion, Makati, which was a first for me. I really felt like I was 18 years old again exploring the world and having fun with friends. I occasionally go with them on spontaneous nights out. I’ve been having a lot of fun with them. There have been many times when I find myself forgetting that I was going through a breakup, times when I could confidently say I’ve moved on. Every minute with them is a delight.
Like I mentioned in my previous post, I have been really into self-love and care right now. I reinstated a skin care routine, went back to the gym, and also I am going to therapy. These three I think are the backbone of my recovery.
I’ve put off going to the gym since March because I wasn’t seeing any progress. I didn’t know what in the world I was doing. I was just on treadmills every Monday, lifting a bit of weights, then I go home. After hiring an online coach who personalizes my workouts, it’s no wonder to me now how I didn’t see progress; I did so little I might as well have done nothing.
I’ve also been doing a lot of inner child work. Making new friends really helped me train myself into being kinder and more compassionate. I also love giving compliments more now, I can even say it’s now second nature to me. I don’t usually do affirmations, but it’s one of the tools I use when I feel a bit down. I validate my feelings, and tell myself that it will also pass. My therapist has been doing a good job of unearthing past experiences and their connections to how I currently think and act. I am surprised at every session how everything about my past experiences are connected to my present behavior. I’ve been unlearning a lot of negative thinking patterns, and I am also learning to live more in gratitude.
Recently, I found out that I have abandonment issues courtesy of my mother prioritizing my brothers (who were from a different father). It made me eager to be an achiever, and constantly trying to prove myself worthy and loveable. I am also sensitive to people taking a break or even just not replying to my messages fast enough. And—this one’s really good—this is also the reason I became one of Jehovah’s Witnesses: because my mom wanted to be one before she passed away, and in an effort to carry on her legacy (really, it was just me trying to still prove to her that I am worthy and I don’t deserve being abandoned), I continued her journey into being one of them. Now, it’s costed me more or less a decade’s worth of religious trauma amplified by me being queer. It is not easy, but looking at it from here, it made me realize that I have bigger problems than my first breakup that I need to address first.
I have also been rebuilding my fashion sense and style from the ground up. I am growing my hair now and tying it up into a bun. I am currently dressing more masculine than androgynous because I think it looks better on me. I’m going for more blacks, tank tops, and leather as opposed to pinks, reds, pearls, and florals.
I’m also preparing this early for our company’s year-end gala. (Don’t judge me.) I won King of the Night last year so I was really hyped to go again this year. Of course, there’s a cash prize so that’s fun, but more than winning really is I just want to be there and look my best. There’s not a lot of occasions I can go to where I can wear the types of fashion I want so I want to maximize my experience. A lot of my co-workers have told me too that they are waiting on what I’ll wear, which added pressure on me but also I am happy that people are anticipating the looks I’ll be serving. My dreams of being a Lady Gaga wannabe on a red carpet are really coming together.
I’ve written about being a team lead on this website previously. On the day that I published that article, I got the news that from being team lead, I was being bumped up into being an Officer-in-Charge IT Supervisor. There have been many things going on right now in my work, but what I like about it is how stable the transition for me has been. Sure, there’s been a lot more work, I’ve been transitioning into a more managerial role than a technical one. But I am excited with the projects I am handling currently.
One thing I haven’t gone back to yet is Antares Programming. At the start of every year, I am always optimistic about this project, but things keep happening down the line that derails my plans. Firstly, it was the pandemic. The next, it was me struggling to find a stable job. And now, it’s me going through a breakup. I am not yet going back to producing content for Antares Programming. I just feel like I am not yet in the right headspace for that. But I want to make it clear that Antares Programming is not going away anytime soon. I’m just going through one of those hiatuses that I keep going through, but I will be back. And when I get back, it’ll be more videos and infographics for everyone.
I’ll keep this short: I’m not ready to enter my next relationship, but I am open to being proven wrong. It hasn’t been long enough for me to recover from a two-year relationship, and I don’t want to rush. I know the love I want and deserve, and I know what it would take me to get there and give the same thing back. I’m working on it, and I am confident that I will know when the right person is in front of me.
When I was still with my ex-partner thinking about if we break up, I thought I would go mad and become self-sabotaging and self-destructive. I’m surprised at how well I am handling things. I tried to be mature and make the most out of this rough patch. I am optimistic about my future. I can say that even now that I am recovering from grief, I am living my best life. This is the best my life has ever been. This is me at my prime. I feel like I can go through anything. I feel unstoppable. Winston Churchill was right: “never let a good crisis to waste.”