I am 26. I have been working for about 6 years now. For the longest time, I had a trajectory in mind that I was kind of following, even if not exactly to the letter. But I have arrived at a point where I feel like I am in the middle of an ocean. Every direction I look, it’s just endless water. I am exhausted from swimming miles, and even just keeping myself afloat takes too much toll. Things that I used to like no longer ignite a flame, and I have been burned.
Life now…
Chalk it up to my frontal lobe fully developing, or to me being disillusioned that working hard and stepping up in times of corporate need—either way, I no longer desire to work. And that is huge for someone like me, a Capricorn firstborn breadwinner to a parentless family. Someone like me who doesn’t want to be as productive anymore, no career goals, no dream jobs—that is practically unheard of. Even things that I used to be so passionate about—ahem Antares Programming—have lost their shine; I just don’t care that much anymore.
I admit, I am just coming out from the worst burnout of my life. It has been going on since January, and as much grace and praise I give myself for being able to tank it all and pushing through, I haven’t really been getting much rest. Mentally, anyway. For the longest time, I had identified my worth with my work. I am nothing if I’m not productive. I am worthless if I am not contributing to the corporate production.
Part of giving myself some grace is recognizing my environment. A fish cannot grow larger than its fishbowl. The world is burning. We’re going through a war, although no one would tell you it’s an actual global war because it’s only happening in Gaza. There’s a corruption scandal (well, scandals) in my country. A relative died very recently. Living alone has started to make it quite lonely for me. Life is looking very bleak right now. I am not in a good place.
What’s next…
I am seriously considering looking for new work. I know, that’s a huge surprise, considering I really liked working at my current job. But at this point, it feels like I’ve overstayed my welcome, and I really feel a call from outside the house telling me to go somewhere else.
But at the same time, I am scared. I am not kidding, this is the first time ever that I am clueless, that I don’t know what to do next, and where to go. But I’ll be fine for sure. I just need to be dramatic about it for now.