On Happiness

Twenty-seven. Wow. Huge number. Halfway through the late 20s. Scary times, too, being in between what you already are, what you think you should already be, and what others say you should be by this time. If there is one thing I’ve learned on year 26, it’s that man… this life is hard, y’all! Fuck! I already know how hard life could be, being poor as hell growing up; actually, my life now is great in comparison. But because I am no longer in survival mode, my brain is now dumping a backlog of shit I need to work through. And only now do I realize how much this life sucks.

Also, I just realized that in the past year I took multiple long stares at myself in the mirror and, yup, I accept it: I got fat! And I’m writing this after I had already finished the rest of this essay, but it’s important that I let you know that I know that I got fat so I shoehorned this paragraph in. Anyway…

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And yet, I have the drive to work for my happiness. I earned this drive to be happy (if you know my story, you know I earned it). And yes, drive to work. Absurd, isn’t it? Happiness needs work. Evolutionary speaking, our brains didn’t evolve for happiness; it evolved for survival. Technically speaking, we are not wired for happiness, so we gotta work and work hard for it. And thank Heavens I was born on this day, because if there’s anything that makes a Capricorn orgasm, it’s work and more work.

Therapy’s going great! I have anxiety that I’ve been working through; I would rather just drop to the ground dead than talk to clients  at work or do crunch times. I might get diagnosed sooner or later, but that’s another story. I have already started the work of making peace with my mom’s death and how that set off a chain of events that still affect me to this day. You’d think the 15 years that passed would heal that wound in me, but grief works in mysterious ways. I have finally accepted that I hate being the eldest child, that I loathe being the breadwinner, and that I want to learn to be more selfish, to put me first. I am learning to be a better friend to the friends I have left. And to the ones that have been removed from my life, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I am strategizing the next best move.

I have taken a resolve to go about life methodically, with a strategy, for maximum happiness coefficient. Younger me was obsessed with being remembered, leaving footsteps in the sands of time. Older me just wants to be happy, to get the best life can give, and to get the most out of the money I pay the government.

So year 27 has no birthday wishes, only strategies. It’s the year I take life by the balls and grip it tightly lest it gets out of my hand.