Grieving parents as the eldest child

Since I started working, I’ve always dreaded the day my aunt (who is practically my mother at this point) dies at the background of my daily goings on. And it’s not even about me losing a loved one; after three deaths in quick succession in my family, I think I’m ready for that mentally. But the sheer exhaustion I’ll get from doing everything—paperworks, organizing the wake, contacting funeral homes, planning the interment, and what not.

Also, the keeping up of apperances for visitors, a lot of which are relatives I’ll see for the first time and I’ll only ever see once and never again. Just thinking about it now already makes me tired. 🤣 And for sure I’ll still have to go to work because how the hell am I going to pay for everything…

And as the eldest, I’ll have to make sure my little brothers are okay through this entire processs. Really when I think about it, the proper grieving time I’ll have is when everyone has already moved on. And even then I’ll have to be prepared for when people say shit like it’s been years, I think it’s time you let go and I’mma be like bitch I haven’t even got the chance to hold it yet, leave me alone. 🤣

Well, I have to ask my aunt how she did all this when my mom died. Or when my grandma died. Or when my grandpa died. Or when her other two sisters died. Maybe she has some tips; she’s gone through this five times at least. Poor woman. 😭

Also, she’s approaching 60 now. I think that’s still young, but she’s at a point when people are starting to die out around her. I can’t imagine how lonely that feeling must be. That’s another shit I’m gonna dread for myself, but that’s anxiety for another day.

Right now, I gotta sleep; it’s 3 AM. 💀